Not sure why I’m up this early. I’ve been waking to internal music in the morning, positive music, which is nice since I’ve been anxious about the new coronavirus going around. I went to bed shortly after 7pm last night, so I did get eight hours of sleep. I’m more than a little frustrated with the Democratic leadership right now. I guess the moment of unity has passed, even though we are still in a crisis.
Today, I will view one of my church’s Sunday sermon online. It feels odd to be expected to stay at home so many days. And all my days are melting into each other again, even though I am writing two short journal entries each day. I’m not sure what I can do to make the days stand out from each other again. I used to go out and do different things each day to help with that.
Yesterday and today I’ve read four short entries in Zen Flesh, Zen Bones. I hope to meditate soon. Hopefully I don’t fall to sleep straight away as I did last night. Then it will be shower. Then dishes. I reached level 50 yesterday in Fallout 76, so I’m not sure I’m going in today. Besides it’s Monday and I still have that lesson 6 of Excel 2019 to study so I don’t flunk the retest of ‘What If Analysis’ and flunk the course. Its continuing education and self-study at your own pace, but if I don’t pass (over 70%) then I must wait 365 days before taking the course again.
I phoned Mount Olive and they closed services and aren’t sure with the pandemic when they are going to be interviewing. I did ask via FB on the post thanking applicants for applying if there was as date by which we would know if we were selected for interview or not.
It is hard to wait, but I live in Washington State and they are already planning to ration health care, with a mind toward helping the most likely to survive get through this. This is not good news for me, since I have an underlying lung condition, which I set off momentarily yesterday just by sneezing. Still, I understand why. They are developing state-wide rules for triage so individual doctors and nurses don’t have to make the life and death decisions. Its a little terrifying though. I think I’m a little less likely to go in for it if the emphasis is on palliative care for people like me and making us comfortable at the end. (Ref. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/20/us/coronavirus-in-seattle-washington-state.html) I guess the only thing to do is to not get sick, as impossible as that sounds.
Most people live, but if it is my time to go I don’t have many if any regrets over the last year. I left my ex, in retrospect a very controlling relationship, and my blood pressure dropped from high to almost low. I lost weight (about 30 pounds), learned about insecure attachments, gained more confidence and more friends; I started learning about Taoism, Buddhism, and meditation. This has helped me with overwhelming bouts of emotion and brokenness that I didn’t know what to do with in my own tradition that I grew up in. We’ve changed my medication so that I’m more functional. I’ve reconciled myself to the fact I will probably be on iron supplements for the forseeable future. My sleep is finally restful because I have a CPAP machine rather than sleep interrupted over a 100 times an hour. I started volunteering again. I feel like I’m forgetting some things, but its been a good year.
This is not to say that I’ve been as ambitious as I should be right now regarding finding a job and moving out, or as focused. So maybe that’s a regret. I still have the disagreement I had with a friend about freaking out, but only because I know that when I freak out I freeze like a deer-in-the-headlights, burrow and play dead, dissolve into tears, or some combination of all of the above, so that’s not helpful. I’ve been very distracted, before knowing what was happening with the homeless and all the shut downs. I talked to a minister and he said I was fighting against the inevitable, and we all know what happens when you fight against what has been clearly allowed or decreed. Being sad, or disturbed by what is going on, doesn’t help them any and it distracts from what I need to be doing in my own life. I can’t help them and, as my friend so clearly pointed out, all I’m doing is possibly becoming one of them if I don’t tend to and fight for my own affairs.